Trickery with Bacon and Soap
by Dukeofnachos
Summary: Gir turned into a human a long time ago, but he's still doing the same old tricks. "Gir, why is there bacon in the soap?" "I made it myself!"
1. You need to learn, Zim

Don't own anything. Based off my friend Cain's favorite quote.

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Zim stomped into the living room, soaking wet, holding a towel around his waist. His hair was spiked up, as it had been since he'd started hi skool. He'd grown a bit taller, even as tall as the tallest were. They no longer acknowledged his existence. His body was slightly muscular, but still small. He wasn't built for speed or strength, but pleasantly in the middle. He had to be, because the government agents weren't slow or weak. Lately, he'd been trying to find a fuel source for his ship so he could leave, before he'd realized that the ship wasn't big enough for _two_ teens, so it was either leave Gir behind, or find a new ship.

"Gir, why is there _**BACON IN THE SOAP**_!!??"

Gir was on the floor, on his back, watching T.V., as the Angry Monkey show was on. Gir had changed too, and not in a way you would expect. During their fifth year on earth, an extraordinary change happened in Gir. Over night, he became human. Silver hair, blue eyes, fair skin. It was a good thing his suit had changed too. Though it was unexplained how it turned into a hoodie and pants. The tallest had called it an "automatic upgrade". He wasn't completely human. He just looked like it, aside from the one circuit on his cheek. His eyes still grew red during that short amount of time that he obeyed Zim, and he still had super-strength. He was even about the same size as Zim, only an inch or two shorter. Still his little robot.

Gir looked up, or at least tried to, but since he was on the floor, everything looked upside down. "I made it myself!"

You could almost see the vein about to pop out of Zim's head as his free hand clenched into a fist.

"Gir, why would you put bacon in the soap!?"

But Gir was still human.

Gir flipped onto his stomach and got up very slowly.

And he still had feelings.

Zim swore that he saw the smaller boy's hips sway as he walked over.

And he still had needs.

He was looking anywhere but his charges eyes.

And he was learning.

Gir's hand brushed against Zim's neck, and for a moment, Zim was worried that he would be strangled. "Because,"

And the great thing about it was,

"Master looks good in nothing but a towel." He brought their lips together in a fearless kiss.

Zim had needs too.

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I'll continue it if I get reviews.


	2. That wasn't very nice

I didn't own anything last chapter, so why would I now?

(HI CASSIDY! You turned off your P.M feature thingy!)

But really, I don't own anything.

Zim slapped him and stumbled back, blushing. What? He… _What?_

Gir raised an eyebrow, a hand coming up to tend to the red spot on his face. At least he _thought_ Zim had needs. Then again, his thought process had always been flawed. But judging by the size of that blush, he'd enjoyed it.

"Gir! What do you think you're doing!" Zim roared.

Gir tilted his head. "I _thought_ I was attending to master's needs," He replied, rubbing his cheek. "Guess I was wrong. Looked like you wanted it."

"What the hell, Gir!"

"I mean why else would you come out here wet, wearing nothing but a towel, when you could have dried off and _at least_ put some pants on in a matter of seconds?" Gir continued.

"What makes you think I-"

"Not only that, but that towel is just a bit too small for you. Isn't that _my_ towel anyway?"

Zim looked down to find that the towel was indeed silver and blue.

"And I was on the ground when you came in. I got a pretty good look at everything. Why the hell else would you stand close enough for that?"

A faint blush crossed Zim's face, another thing picked up from this planet. "Where'd you put the good soap, Gir?"

The former robot pointed, an annoyed look on his face. "It's in the fridge, you freakin tease."

As Zim stomped off into the kitchen, he could have sworn he heard Gir storm off as well. Well that was unusual. The smaller boy had never actually been mad. Not in his right mind. Not at Zim.

Gir sat on his bed, sighing. They'd added a new room when he'd become human, because he would need to sleep somewhere. He looked over at the small table next to his bed. There sat Mini- moose, just where he left him, waiting for Gir to pick him up. So he did. Gir squeezed the plush toy lightly, giving a small smile at the squeak it gave off. That always made him feel better.

"I'm bored, I've been rejected and my face hurts…" Gir told it. "What should I do, buddy?"

He squeezed the toy again, the smile on his face growing bigger at the seemingly happier squeak it gave him this time. It seemed to answer his question. Gir nodded.

"Okay then Mini- moose, but I don't know how molesting Dib will help anything."


	3. In which Dib is molestable

Don't own anything. And don't expect fast updates because of this.

Anon, because of your review, this chapter is saved on my computer as "molestation of the Dib thing". I hope you are proud.

Warning: Beginning of a lemon

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"So you say that if I carry those chains, that gag and that box of various sex toys to the door at the end of that dark alley over there where no one can hear me scream, you'll tell me valuable information about Zim?" Dib repeated. Gir nodded, the usual huge smile on his face. Although, now it held a bit of mischief that Dib wasn't sure he wanted to be around for.

"The word 'Valuable' is debatable." Gir reminded. He still couldn't believe Dib was this easy to trick. He'd left with nothing but a box, some chains, and about $50 in quarters, and had come up with this on the way here. It was truly amazing how well it worked. It was even more amazing that no one questioned him walking down the street with an open box filled with vibrators of various colors and sizes, cock rings, butt plugs, lube, and other things small children shouldn't know about. There was even tape on the box labeling it "Rape kit". He'd peeled that off shortly before turning the corner to find Dib helping an old lady cross the road. All in all, the most unbelievable thing was he'd done this before, but only to Dib, and no one else, simply because the boy was that easy to trap.

Now, he carefully handed the box to Dib, smiling the entire time. He almost couldn't wait. He found himself gazing appreciatively at the other boy's ass as he carried the box down the side walk. He almost didn't notice that a growl escaped his lips when Dib finally made the turn into what Gir was sure was the deepest darkest alley known to man. He calmly walked after him, knowing how long it would take him to get to the end.

From behind Dib, he decided he had the best view in the city.

010101010101010

About fifteen minutes later, the faintest of screams could be heard outside the alley, almost a whisper. Only one girl seemed to notice, although, recognizing it as her brother's, she promptly left in the direction of the nearest arcade.

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Zim wasn't panicking. Sure Gir was missing without a trace. Sure he usually left a note or something. Sure the former robot was madder than he'd ever seen him. Sure he could be hiding in the shadows, waiting to do something terrible to him, like boil him alive with that dreaded earth-rain until his skin was nearly black, or strangle him, or stab him, or even r… r… He couldn't even finish the last thought. Because as much as he wanted it to, it didn't sound as bad to him as he thought it would.

Sure he had unwanted feelings he didn't understand. Sure his relationship with Gir might never be the same. He still wasn't panicking. No, he was just running around the house and glancing at the door every five seconds because he had _lost something_.

'_Yeah,'_ he thought to himself. '_Your mind.'_

He wasn't worried, really he wasn't.

'_You're also not green'_

And he did _not_ enjoy that kiss.

'_You also never tried to take over the world.'_

And Gir wasn't mad at him. He wasn't even sure that it was possible for Gir to be mad at him. He was just frustrated… sexually.

'_You _were_ kind of close to him to be "just friendly", you know.'_

And the boy _was_ kind of cute.

'_Kind of? You dream of-'_

Okay, that was enough. What was the boy trying to accomplish, kissing him like that?

'_You know you aren't that stupid. He was planning to fuck you. You know you would have let him.'_

That didn't matter. That was it. He was just going to find his robot, apologize, and bring him home.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=098

"Ngh… Gir… why do you always…do this?" Dib gasped out as said robot kissed his way down his stomach. With his hands chained above his head, he couldn't do much about it.

"Why do you always let me?" Gir retorted, wrapping his hand around the other boy's rather impressive length. Whatever else Dib had to say was forgotten, swallowed by a gasp as the silver haired boy set a steady pace. "Better yet, why do you always fight when you enjoy this as much as I do?"

_Oh god._

Dib glanced around the alley, spotted his torn clothes over in a corner. He'd have to buy new ones later. Or Gir would. His thoughts were interrupted when he felt a wet finger probe his entrance and his eyes snapped shut. He whimpered. It moved slowly inside him, getting him used to the feeling. He felt his hips move involuntarily against it, moaning as another finger slid its way inside him.

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**Yeah. I did it. Next chapter has smut. Woohoo! My first published smut! Yay!**

**Dib: Why am I bottom!**

**Me: Because Gir is uke for no man!**

**Dib: But-**

**Me: NO MAN!**

**Gir: *Looks at Dib***

**Dib: What?**

**Gir: *Grabs Dibs arm* Come on Dib!**

**Dib: *Being dragged away* Why?**

**Gir: *grins* We have to… rehearse… for the next chapter.**

**Me: *grabs camera* I'm coming too! *looks at readers* Review!**


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